Have you ever wondered why you love the way you do? Why do some people crave closeness while others pull away? And why do some relationships feel stable and secure while for others it feels like an emotional rollercoaster? The answer often may lie in something known as attachment styles.

It is the way we emotionally feel connected with others, which are shaped by our early experiences with caregivers (Colleen Doyle, et. al, 2017). These styles may influence our expectations in relationships, how we handle conflict, and even how we may express love. 

Understanding your attachment style can be a game changer in your love life. It may help explain your relationship patterns, emotional triggers, and even the type of partners you’re drawn to. The good news? No matter where you start, awareness and growth can lead to healthier and more fulfilling connections.

What are the types of Attachment Styles?

Let us break it down the four main types of attachment styles and how they may shape your love expectations:

1. Secure Attachment: “Love Feels Safe”

A research done by Oana Dumitru (2017), indicated that approximately 38% of American adults self-identify as having a secure attachment style, characterized by comfort with emotional closeness.

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partners, openly communicate and do not fear being abandoned or overwhelmed by closeness. If you have a secure attachment, you likely believe in love that is stable, supportive, and full of mutual respect.

Love expectation: People expect a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and free to be themselves. They are not overly anxious or distant, they just love in a balanced way. 

For instance, the friendship between Monica and Chandler from Friends. They trust each other, feel safe, and can be themselves without fear. Their bond is balanced and they support each other without being too clingy or distant.

2. Anxious Attachment: “Love Feels Like a Rollercoaster”

A person with an anxious attachment style really wants a deep connection but is often worried that their partner might pull away. They might overthink texts, fear being left behind, or need a lot of reassurance. This usually comes from growing up with inconsistent parenting, where parents are sometimes supportive and responsive but other times misattuned. This inconsistency can confuse the child, making it difficult for them to understand the behavior of their parents and what to expect in the future (The attachment project, 2020).

Love expectation: A person with an anxious attachment style expects love to be intense and sometimes even dramatic. They might feel that love needs to “prove” itself over and over, needing constant reassurance that their partner truly cares.

An example from popular media is Edward from the movie series Twilight. Edward’s love for Bella is intense and his anxious attachment shows in how worried he is about losing her. He is protective, seeks constant reassurance, and fears being abandoned, always needing to know she feels the same way.

3. Avoidant Attachment: “Love Feels Smothering”

People who have avoidant attachment styles value their independence and often feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness. They may struggle to express their feelings, pull away when things get serious or prefer relationships that allow for some distance. This attachment style often develops when caregivers were emotionally unavailable or emphasized independence too early (Colleen Doyle, et. al, 2017).

Love expectation: A person with an avoidant attachment style expects love to feel like freedom, not entanglement. Too much closeness may make them uneasy, so they prefer a partner who respects their need for space and doesn’t demand deep emotional conversations all the time.

An example from The Simpsons is Homer Simpson. While he loves his family he usually avoids emotional intimacy with Marge. He prefers independence and struggles with having serious conversations which reflects the love expectations of someone with an avoidant attachment style.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: “Love Feels Confusing”

This attachment style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant traits. A person with this style may crave love but also fears it. They might want a deep connection one moment but push it away the next. This often happens when they experience both love and fear from their caregivers growing up, which creates confusion and mixed feelings about relationships.

Love expectation: A person with this attachment style expects love to be unpredictable, sometimes it feels comforting, other times it feels scary. They may find it hard to fully trust others which can lead them to push people away or unintentionally mess up their relationships.

The Beast from The Beauty and the Beast, wants love but believes he is unworthy of it. He pushes Belle away at first because he fears rejection. However, he also desperately wants her to stay. This push pull behavior of wanting connection but fearing vulnerability is a classic sign of fearful avoidant attachment.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes! While your attachment style is shaped by early experiences, it does not mean it is set in stone. A study by Berit Brogaard (2015) suggests that while attachment styles can be stable, a significant percentage of individuals experience changes in their attachment patterns over time. Self awareness, therapy, and healthy relationships can help you shift toward a more secure attachment. The key is understanding your patterns and working to create safe, loving connections.

No matter your attachment style, love is a journey of growth. Understanding yourself better is the first step to building the love life you truly want.

References

• Brogaard B. Attachment Styles Can’t Change, Can They? Psychology Today. Published 2015. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they

• Theisen JC, Fraley RC, Hankin BL, Young JF, Chopik WJ. How do attachment styles change from childhood through adolescence? Findings from an accelerated longitudinal Cohort study. Journal of Research in Personality. 2018;74(74):141-146. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2018.04.001

• Brennan D. What Is Avoidant Attachment? WebMD. Published March 9, 2021. https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-is-avoidant-attachment

• Doyle C, Cicchetti D. From the Cradle to the Grave: The Effect of Adverse Caregiving Environments on Attachment and Relationships Throughout the Lifespan. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2017;24(2):203-217. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/cpsp.12192
• The Attachment Project. Anxious Attachment: Causes & Symptoms. Attachment Project. Published July 2, 2020. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

• Dumitru O. What Do Americans Say About Their Attachment Styles? | YouGov. today.yougov.com. Published June 16, 2023. https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/45827-what-do-americans-say-about-their-attachment-style

Hoenicka MAK, López-de-la-Nieta O, Martínez Rubio JL, et al. Parental bonding in retrospect and adult attachment style: A comparative study between Spanish, Italian and Japanese cultures. de Faria CMGM, ed. PLOS ONE. 2022;17(12):e0278185. doi:https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0278185