You must have noticed that some people effortlessly build, maintain and navigate relationships while for others it seems quite challenging. What end of the spectrum do you find yourself at?
The answer to how we relate to others and navigate our relationships can lie in our early childhood experiences around love and security that we receive from our caregivers. In Psychology, attachment theory is the name given to understand such experiences, which is a cornerstone of development. This theory was developed by John Bowlby and later on developed by Mary Ainsworth. It suggests that the bonds we form in infancy and childhood can profoundly shape our adult relationships; both romantic and platonic.
In this article we’ll journey from the cradle to adulthood, examining how childhood can affect adult relationships, moulding our expectations, fears, and desires in intimate relationships.
Understanding Attachment Theory
According to Bowlby’s theory, an infant has an innate need to connect and attach with a caregiver. They seek that bond and security from the elders around them. The infant’s cry and coo to get their caregiver’s attention and how the caregivers attend to the infant highly influences their relationship and how the infant may later on relate to others in the world. When a parent offers the newborn warmth, attention and response to their needs with regular consistency this trust is built.
Our attachments have a profound impact on emotional development as early attachment experiences shape our:
- Emotional regulation abilities
- Self-esteem and self-worth
- Capacity for trust and intimacy
- Resilience in facing challenges
Attachment Styles: Why we love the way we do
Researchers have identified four main attachment styles that develop in childhood and often persist into adulthood:
Secure: A person who has a secure attachment style is comfortable with open communication, intimacy and commitments. They tend to resolve conflicts by confronting the problems and are very consistently responsive to their partner’s needs. This leads to the creation of trust in their relationships. This is what people call an emotionally stable relationship.
Anxious-Ambivalent: Those who have an anxious attachment style are constantly worried about their partners abandoning them or overthink what their partners might be feeling. The reason behind an anxious attachment could be the inconsistency in their caregiver’s attitude towards them- sometimes attentive, other times neglectful. Which is why they feel they crave reassurance and validation from their significant others because they are uncertain if they will receive any love or care. This can come across as being needy all the time and can strain relationships.
Avoidant: People with avoidant attachment experience difficulties in getting close and committing to others. They tend to keep their walls up as a form of defence as in their childhood their needs were dismissed or delayed. This caused them to do things on their own and rely on themselves. Being avoidant of relationships is a way to protect themselves from getting hurt by putting too much trust in others. They also seem unresponsive, unreliable and emotionally unavailable to their partners because of their inability to depend on others or show trust.
Disorganized: It is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits. The people who employ this style likely had trauma or abusive bad parenting and/or extreme inconsistency as children. But as adults, they may also still love addicts too: “I want him to be close and yet keep that distance because being close hurts (protective denial)”. This often leads to them being erratic in their love relationships.
Recognizing Attachment Style
Here are a few questions to help you identify your attachment style.
- How do you react to your partner’s absence?
- What is your comfort level with emotional intimacy?
- What is your typical response to relationship conflicts?
- What are your expectations and fears in the relationship?
Understanding these patterns can help individuals and couples work towards more secure and fulfilling relationships.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
The good news is that attachment styles aren’t set in stone. While they’re shaped by our earliest experiences, they can evolve over time, particularly through self-awareness, therapy, and positive relationship experiences. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style can work to develop more secure habits by learning to communicate openly, building self-esteem, and choosing partners who are emotionally available.
Conclusion
This article makes it clear that the impact of childhood experiences on adult relationships is very deep and as we explore the journey from early attachment to adult love, it’s crucial to understand that healing and growth are possible, even for those with challenging attachment histories. The first step towards growth in your relationships is to develop self-awareness. This means that, once we understand our patterns of attachment and emotional responses they bring about in us, this opens up space for change. Independence and connection are important ingredients for a healthy relationship. And most importantly, if you find yourself struggling and need guidance, therapy is always a good choice. Do not be afraid to know more about yourself or enhance the quality of your relationships.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss, vol. 1: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press/Institute of Psychoanalysis
Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss, vol. 2: Separation: anxiety and anger. London: Hogarth Press
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss, vol. 3: Loss: sadness and depression. London: Hogarth Press
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Clinical applications of attachment theory. London: Routledge
