The common conception around love is that it is a universal language that transcends any differences amongst people. However, the way we express it, according to the concept of  “love language types”, can be very different from person to person.

Discussions around love languages have become a popular culture phenomenon — you may have heard about them on social media, on a news article discussing dating trends, on those quirky prompts on dating apps, or simply heard SZA sing about it in her song Love Language. 

But where did this concept of love languages come from? And is there actual science behind it? That’s what this blog is here to explore. 

The Origins of Love Languages

In 1992, Dr Gary Chapman, a christian pastor and marriage counselor, introduced the love language theory in this book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”. He wrote this book by drawing from his years of counseling experience — he had observed many relationship conflicts did not emerge because of a lack of love, but because partners expressed them differently. Chapman went to identify five distinct love language types that people use to communicate affection.  

The book was meant to be a self-help tool for couples, at first. But it became popular worldwide and sold millions of copies all around the globe. Today, after almost three decades since the concept was introduced, the idea of love languages has spread across all kinds of relationships — whether romantic, platonic, professional, or familial. As many other concepts in self help do, love language started becoming a concept in Popular Psychology. This drove researchers to begin studying the validity of Chapman’s theory. What did they find? Let’s discuss in the next sections. 

What is a Love Language?

The term “love language” refers to the different ways individuals prefer receiving and expressing affection. This concept also has to do with how one perceives and processes emotionally the experience of being loved, or loving someone. For instance, one may express love by opening the door for their partner, or giving them a massage after a busy day. On the other hand, others may express love by staying physically close to their partner, complimenting their looks and intellect, or expressing verbally how much they love their partner. 

Both these expressions are equally valid, and are dependent on an individual’s capacity to express love in certain ways. Some people may not be able to verbally express their feelings, and instead do it in actions. Others may not be good at doing tangible actions to express love, but may be verbally expressive. 

Chapman in his book suggested that every individual has a primary love language. In other words, all of us have a preferred way of expressing and receiving love. Let us explore the five love languages in detail: 

The Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation – Are you a fan of romantic love letters? Your love language might be words of affirmation! This love language involves expressing love and appreciation through spoken or written words. Compliments, encouragement, love notes, and verbal reassurances all fall under this category. People who value words of affirmation feel most loved when they hear kind, encouraging words that recognize their worth and efforts.
2. Quality Time – If you’re someone who enjoys undivided attention with no distractions whether it’s a day-long date or a prolonged hang-outs with your friends – quality time may be your preferred love language. Those who prioritize quality time feel most loved when they receive undivided attention from their loved ones. Distractions like phones or multitasking can make them feel unimportant.
3. Physical Touch – Do you like to hold hands as much as possible with your partner, or hugging your friends tight when you say hello or goodbye? Your love language may be physical touch. Physical touch in the context of romance may not just be sexual intimacy, but overall physical closeness with the partner. For those who speak this love language, physical closeness provides comfort, security, and a deep sense of connection.
4. Acts of Service – Some people love being helpful to their loved ones. Do you enjoy holding the door for your partner, running their errands, or giving them a massage when they’re tired? Acts of service refer to doing any activity that makes a loved one’s life easier. It demonstrates care and commitment through thoughtful actions rather than words. For someone who appreciates this love language, love letters and poetry may mean nothing – but a thoughtful gesture like holding their bags may mean the world. 
5. Receiving Gifts – Some people may be naturally inclined to bring their loved ones gifts to express that they have been thinking of them. The value isn’t in the price but in the sentiment behind the gift. A well-chosen present symbolizes love, effort, and attention. 

How Can Love Languages Help You?

Understanding and utilizing love languages can bring multiple benefits to your relationships:

• Increased Relationship Satisfaction – If your loved ones and you have matching expressions of love, you may find the relationship more fulfilling than others. Mostova et al. (2022)’s research found that couples who expressed affection in their partner’s preferred love language experienced higher relationship and sexual satisfaction.
• Reduced Conflict – Imagine two people with completely different ways of expressing love. Person A likes quality time, while Person B is only able to express love in terms of acts of service. For person A, no matter how often Person B helps with their chores or runs errands for them – it may feel meaningless because they may be distracted when Person A wants undivided attention and in-depth conversations. This can lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Coy & Rodriguez (2023) in their research found that inaccurate perceptions of a partner’s love language can lead to misaligned expectations, whereas a correct understanding enhances their relationship satisfaction.
• Stronger Emotional Bonds – Expressing love in a way that resonates with your partner helps one form deeper intimacy, trust, and emotional security. Perhaps you’re not a person who uses words much, but your partner prefers receiving love in terms of words of affirmation. In this case, your partner might feel neglected and unloved because of a lack of words. Bunt & Hazelwood (2017) found that where love languages differ, actively self-regulating one’s own emotional reactions and trying to adapt to one’s partner’s needs helps in strengthening the relationship.
• More Fulfilling Connections Beyond Romance – Love languages apply not just to romantic relationships but also to friendships, family bonds, and even professional relationships. If you look around you, it is likely that most of your friends share similar love languages to yours. Maybe you constantly hype each other up (words of affirmation), or you enjoy spending lots of offline time together doing fun activities (quality time). 

Limitations of Love Language Theory

From an empirical point of view — though love languages are quite popular, researchers have criticized its oversimplication and highlighted its pressing limitations: 

• Impett et al. (2024) argue that empirical support for the theory is not very strong. More importantly, they challenge the assumptions that
  (a) everyone has a single preferred (primary) love language,
  (b) there are only five love languages, and
  (c) relationship satisfaction is contingent on love language alignment.
• In reality, love language types are not as rigid. One can evolve into enjoying different love languages based on life experiences or even differing emotional needs. One may even enjoy different forms of love with different people, depending on context. 
• Relationships are complex. It is important to also consider factors such as emotional intelligence, communication skills, and conflict resolution. For instance, even if your love languages differ, if your partner does not communicate with you enough, or refuses to put in the effort to meet you halfway – your relationship may not meet your ideals. 
• In other words, simply detecting the differences or similarities between you and your loved ones’ love languages may not be enough. Extra efforts are needed to make a relationship work, as they require equal give and take. 

Conclusion

Love languages can provide a helpful starting point for understanding emotional needs, as some research does point towards their benefits. 

However, love languages should not be viewed as a definitive formula for relationship success. The key to healthy relationships lies in empathy, communication, and adaptability. Recognizing and respecting the ways in which others express and receive love, you can cultivate deeper connections and create a more fulfilling emotional landscape in all areas of your life.

References 

Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12182 

Chapman, G. (2009). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. United States: Moody Publishers. 

Coy, A. E., & Rodriguez, L. M. (2023). Affection preference, enactment, and relationship satisfaction: A dyadic analysis of love languages. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 49(4), 741–761. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.1265 

Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2), 87-92. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214231217663 

Mostova, O., Stolarski, M., & Matthews, G. (2022). I love the way you love me: Responding to a partner’s love language preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples. PLoS ONE, 17(6), e0269429. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0269429