How to Be More Sexually Assertive and Boost Sexual Confidence

August 31, 2021

7 min read

Fears and anxiety often cloud our sexual experience. A bit of assertiveness and sexual confidence is just the things you need for a fulfilling romp between the sheets! It is easy to misconstrue frequent sexual encounters with sexual confidence. And, sexual assertiveness is not just about performing well in bed. Feelings of insecurity about how you look or perform in bed can hinder your pleasure. The best way forward is to leave behind your inhibitions. Easier said than done? Let’s find out!

How to Boost Sexual Confidence and Be More Sexually Assertive

So, you want to know how to be more sexually assertive? [1] Sexual assertiveness is a skill that gets better with practice. Assertiveness should not be confused with aggression. Assertiveness signifies taking charge during sexual escapades, discovering new and stimulating realms of enjoyment. If you want to try a new position, don’t hold back. Talk to your partner about it. For all you know, they will be as excited as you about the prospect.

To understand how to be sexually assertive, remember that foreplay need not start in the bedroom. You can gently stroke your partner’s hand in a restaurant, making suggestive eye contact. You can use words and your touch to convey what you feel and what you have in mind. This creates a sexually charged atmosphere, well before you land in bed.

Listening to your partner’s cues is another way of finding out what you can do to make them happy. If they pull away, you can be sure that they are not comfortable with your touch.

What does it mean to be sexually assertive?

An honest dialogue about sex requires considerable skill. While there is a lot of literature on the subject in print and social media, on a personal level, the topic of sex can leave many people speechless. Sexual assertiveness is essential, as both partners know what they want and where they want to draw the line. Here are a few markers of sexual assertiveness:

  • Initiate sex and voice your desires for enhanced pleasure.
  • Your partner may be aroused, but you can refuse to comply if the act makes you uncomfortable.
  • Your partner may reject you if you don’t participate as per their liking. But that’s ok. You will find someone who will understand.
  • Assertiveness does not mean aggressive. Your actions should be honest and direct, taking into consideration the feelings of your partner.
  • Recognize the red flags of pressure. If you are not comfortable with an act, a firm ‘No!’ should suffice.

Difference between sexual assertiveness and aggression 

Being sexually assertive is a lot different from sexual aggression. When you are sexually assertive, you voice your desires, taking into consideration the feelings and needs of your partner. Honest dialogue is in play, whereby you introduce scenarios or sexual acts into the picture without imposing aggressively on the feelings of your partner. If your partner is reluctant to perform a certain act, you accept their wishes.

Sexual aggression, on the other hand, is forceful behavior that ignores the feelings of the partner. Sexual aggression is an act or behavior that forces the partner to engage in sexual activity they are unwilling to perform. To be clear, rough sex is not necessarily aggressive sex. If the parties involved in a sexual act, no matter how deviant; are consenting adults; it cannot be defined as aggressive sex. However, if one of the partners is not a consenting participant, it is a serious crime.

“I have lost my confidence in the bedroom” | Importance of sexual confidence

Some people have abundant confidence in sexual matters; others have a lot less. But for many people, there are times when they experience an ebb in their sexual confidence after events such as a divorce, postpartum depression, or when they are starting with a new partner.

It is easy to get consumed by thoughts of your partner’s feelings. Will they find you sexy? Will you be able to give them sexual satisfaction? 

But, it’s important to remember that your partner is probably as vulnerable as you are. They probably think they are unattractive too. The thing you must remember is; you are having sex as you find each other attractive. You are not the only one in the relationship who will make the sexual act great. Letting go of your fears and being in the moment is the best way to feel more confident.

How to be more assertive in bed as a woman 

An essential part of being a human is sexual expression. Your level of confidence has a lot to do with sexual arousal. When you leave your inhibitions aside, your pleasure will increase. If you want to be a sexually assertive female, don’t be afraid to initiate sex or express your pleasure by moaning, as this will heighten the experience for you and your partner. When you make the first move, it shows your partner that you find him attractive. This can be a huge turn-on for him.

Discover yourself by finding the spots that increase your enjoyment; so that you know exactly what you want from your partner. Suggest different positions to increase pleasure. When you give vocal cues, your partner gets a better idea of what makes you happy. It may not be easy to be open about your desires in the beginning. But you can ease into it gradually, letting your mind adjust to the new you, a sexually assertive woman!

How to be more assertive in bed as a man 

Being more sexually assertive is not hard.  Many men tend to overthink sex. They may have a sequence of moves ready, which they will follow religiously; instead of taking hints from the vocal cues of their partners. Instead, be in the moment, and open yourself to sensations and feelings, thus heightening your pleasure, as well as your partner’s. Once you are in tune with what your partner is experiencing, you won’t feel anxious about your performance. Don’t try over-analyzing every expression your partner makes, as it will lead to anxiety.

Fear of losing an erection or not getting one altogether is a recipe for disaster, as the fear will hinder your arousal. Accept the fact that it’s natural for an erection to wane before or during intercourse, once in a while. Unless it is a regular affair, you need not let it worry you. Take it in your stride and find pleasurable ways to have sex while soft.

Tips by sexologists for feeling more sexually confident in the bedroom

  • Masturbation is a great way to find out what turns you on. You are better equipped to share these tips with your partner [2].
  • Voicing your intimate desires with your partner can be a turn-on for them [3].
  • Leave behind doubts and fears about how you look or how you will perform in bed. This disconnect between the mind and the body is not an ideal scenario for a pleasurable act.
  • Sex often has embarrassing or messy moments. Treat it as a fun experience and laugh it out. Light-hearted banter will enhance your experience.

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References

[1] J. Lammers and J. I. Stoker, “Power affects sexual assertiveness and sexual esteem equally in women and men,” Arch. Sex. Behav., vol. 48, no. 2, pp. 645–652, 2019.
[2] C. P. Bowman, “Women’s masturbation: Experiences of sexual empowerment in a primarily sex-positive sample,” Psychol. Women Q., vol. 38, no. 3, pp. 363–378, 2014.
[3] C. Neustaedter and S. Greenberg, “Intimacy in long-distance relationships over video chat,” in Proceedings of the SIGCHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems, 2012, pp. 753–762.

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